I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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