Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
