A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
These tits shall not be calmed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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