I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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