I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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