nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
