I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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