you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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