Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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