I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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