No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
