hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
