I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
