My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
