i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
