Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
