Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
