Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
