There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
