69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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