3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
