So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
