I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
