Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
