a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
