4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
