Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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