Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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