I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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