before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.