We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
