I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
