It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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