All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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