just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
