I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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