I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
