Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
