Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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