I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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