you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
