Someone shit on the floor
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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