we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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