Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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