you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
