Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
