It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Too much gin, very little bucket
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Someone came in the potted fern
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
