If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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