So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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