I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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