I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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