Only a mothe r could love this liver
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
