It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
