That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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