She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
