there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
