Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
