I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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