I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
